The Kalopsian Wave

Maybe I just needed to calm down and touch grass. Crazy how things slip into place when you slow down and stop inducing a permanent state of panic in yourself.

Something I have been trying to do this month is look at myself and reflect on all the situations where I may have not been the best. 

I think the internet poisons the sexes against each other. Men are sad and lonely with big feelings and women are sad and lonely with big feelings. We are all imperfect and trying our best with whatever we have. 

Ultimately, I do think what my friend told me about finding love is true. It should be simple. There should be no yearning, pining, fighting, catastrophic yet tiny failures, self loathing, and searching for tiny crumbs of possible attention… You just find someone who it all feels simple with. Find someone you can communicate with. 

The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan details “the problem that has no name,” which is about how women are raised to be mothers and housewives, and that is all they should be satisfied with. It puts a finger on the depersonalization and dissociation that comes with being a woman under the patriarchy, where as a woman you don’t feel like a full person- that you are fundamentally unfulfilled and don’t know where to start to feel differently. Not all women, but many, and certainly me.

I haven’t researched “the problem without a name”  that much, but this problem made me consider a conversation I had with a friend last year where I joked “If a Renee exists in her apartment and nobody is around, did she ever even crash or make a sound?’

We were talking about extraversion and introversion, and I am definitely an extrovert. However, I felt something similar to this “problem with no name.” 

I wouldn’t feel comfortable, or that I existed unless I was being perceived. I didn’t know how to hang out with myself or be comfortable in my own presence. 

I have been feeling more like a person 100% of the time though. I’m asking myself questions I never considered before, such as: “what do I want?” I never considered it before. It seems absurd to say but it is true.

I like me now.

This month has been really good. I have had a lot of time to plan DND and I have gone on a lot of walks. I got a cute new purse. I went to see Megan 2 and Superman with my dad. Life is simple and beautiful to me. 

I was so fired up to start this newsletter / blog on July 1st, thinking I would be desperate to share about myself, but now that I’m not online I just don’t care as much anymore. I think I may just update here when I have something I want to share.

I had a conversation a few days ago about the glass being half full versus half empty with someone. I can’t stand pessimism. There are so many things in my life I have to be grateful for even when things suck. 

I like me, I like the people in my life, I like the kiss of air conditioning when I step inside my apartment, I like my shower curtain, I like giving my dog belly rubs when she rolls around in the grass, I like my glass of tart cherry juice before bed.

Touching grass really does fix a lot.