The Kalopsian Wave

Recently I have been approaching sleep in a mystical, reverent manner. I think that those who do not sleep enough are tormented in their waking hours of anxieties that are supposed to be grappled with subconsciously. Since I have been prioritizing sleep more, I have been waking up with problems in my mind I haven’t thought about in years, yet I feel fortified and capable of approaching them from the right angle. Sleep makes you wiser. I see it as a severed version of myself. There are things dream Renee urgently needs to tell me. 

I have been getting back into romanticizing the little things in my life. I have a few cool ambient lamps that shift colors across my ceiling. I’ll light candles and take a bath with Epsom salt, in total silence while drinking an elixir of my own creation to encourage vivid dreams. I hope to awaken the oracle within me. I think that if you believe in yourself enough you can unlock parts of yourself that you never thought you were incapable of unlocking.

I had a lot of problems sleeping when I was 10, and I remember researching things that could possibly help since my parents were fed up with my sleep issues. 

I stumbled upon lucid dreaming and astral projection in my research. Which found me at an odd time- right in the peak time where I, like many children, daydreamed of having magical powers. I would have done anything to be extraordinarily special. I would create intricate fantasies of what I would do if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, or if I had a Portal gun, etc.

I was jealous of kids that had glasses, red hair, were left-handed, really anything they were born with that made them special. I grew up wanting to be special more than anything, so I dove deeply into the dream rabbit hole, reading into the meaning of my dreams intensely, looking for prophetic clues to what will happen in the future, deciphering patterns and themes I come across. It was serious work. I sincerely believe to this day dreams are a key to seeing into the future and understanding yourself and the world around you. You just have to be willing to open your mind.

One time I was at a secret Santa event where there were multiple small boxes wrapped up with differing amounts of money in them. It was a game of chance to which gift had the $100, but the correct box was revealed to me in a dream weeks before the event happened. I won the $100. Little things like that convince me that I am on to something with my dream theories. I can’t prove that I knew it was that box, but I know the truth in my heart. 

To me, dreams are still magical. One of the last glimmers of childlike wonder I am clinging to desperately. I think that may be why The Sandman may be my favorite book series. 

I have grappled with my mediocrity my whole life, and realized that some people have to work to be extraordinary. I like me now, in my mundanity and my excellence. I was not born funny, charming, smart, motivated, or talented; but I was born creative, and I think that was enough. It does infuriate me when things come easy to people- when something I could work so hard for and want so badly is a natural gift to someone else. That is another reason I get bothered when told I am just naturally talented, when in reality I worked incredibly hard to be at my current skill level and was born with no artistic ability. 

Being an artist is all about the desire and drive- no natural skill is required. You will start your creative passion. You will suck. Then you will get better. And then no one will remember when you sucked and say you are a “natural talent.” So stop worrying about sucking and just make art. 

Another thing about art, it should only be made for yourself. There should be absolutely no consideration of what others might think of your art during its creation process. (Obviously don’t make anything hateful or unethical or SERIOUSLY fucked up.) But yeah. Fuck the rest of them and make whatever you want!

For me at least, I think what will save me lies in the mystical, the magical, the creative. I want to be a weird kid again.