The Kalopsian Wave

O’ sister where art thou? Brought the bottles painted with chalk and hot glue, checked necklace of woven acrylic purchased in a pack from the outlet store. Finest silver rings cast green shadows on my forefinger.  The coolest girls at the train tracks. Take my picture here in the dress mom hates so much. We should have brought pennies.

Can we go back and smash them up a little bit better this time? Can we try somewhere different like the Grand Canyon? Spend 5 years in prison for littering or 50 for manslaughter. We never made these mistakes and I feel a lesser woman for it. We never found the buried treasure. Remember when it was just us? 

I’m sorry I clung to you so hard, our only sleepover on the air mattress of my bedroom the night before your wedding. Not enough room for the strippers, what a lame batchelorette. If you could have waited a few years we could have shared the rosé I hid in my sock drawer.

I promise this movie is so good but we need to stop pausing it every 5 minutes. You had your own elevator full of tears when Jack hugged his son.
What a perfectionist. 
“That was the scariest part” you told me you used to sit between the wall and your bed holding your breath, taffy horses galloping to protect you. I wish I understood, I could have held you then. I have never held you. Everything changed so fast.

Swisher sweet blueberry on the soccerfield mite infested ankles, mimosa in a mug tasted so cool proudly announcing my next big step, standing on a milk crate exclaiming “I am ready to make mistakes!” Who the hell do I think I am? The girl with a bottle of rosé in her sock drawer. 

A better listener I hope, your dollar Impala’s wires chewed through by rats, gone flat gently weep to me left behind in the rot,

I will never forget you,

I will never forget you,

I will never forget you.

Kubrick stare into the crystal ball.

Water this tree eternal demigod and tell me more about what you found at the thrift. Let me explain raku again just because you know I want to. Did you ever get your shed fixed? Did the neighbors stop peeking into your windows just like I did, searching for golden eggs? I never saw any of this coming, all work and no play. Those zinnia seeds are still in my drawer. I will remember them on my deathbed, you can plant them there if you want. Water them too.

I don’t want to stop being like you. I’m the Vegas recreation for a photo-opp, clumsily mimicking the one who taught me how to be. Do you think it’s too late to convince the town we can speak to ghosts? Pregnant toy cars, future-seeing monkey, world famous horse jockey with an underground mansion; nobody did it like us. I think we could pull it off. 

I sat outside the other day and felt sorry for myself, figuring out what my character motivation is on stage even though I have no speaking parts, gotta look natural. I haven’t moved on and I really don’t want to. It’s not fair.  I didn’t know how much would be taken from us. I cried for days when the daisies you planted were cut down. You said they will grow back, but they didn’t. I think of what I could have done better. I’m shooting for best supporting actress but please don’t think I’m just acting.

What can I do to make it clear that I am not trying to make it about me? I found a treasure map, do you want it? Maybe it leads to the buried treasure from all those years ago. I didn’t even glance at it in case you wanted to go with someone else. 

I think it leads to the bathroom. I think talking to you in the bathroom while we brush our teeth would fix everything. Come sit on the floor of my closet and whisper to me the dream you had. Bring your tea to the driveway watching the heat lighting pantomime a show for us above Nashville. Coyote witch cast her spell on us and I woke up with a frog in my hand. Nothing good happened after this. 

Some part of me thought we would go smash bottles again. I still want to, can you pencil it in? 25 years old I’m still working on my handwriting and you are framed in illuminations with gilded ink spelling your name. Deciphered 5 languages in the time it took me to write a cursive “G.” Do you still tell people I was born on Friday the 13th? Axe embedded in the banister, take the scene again from the top just so I can keep looking at you.

Anyway, I just wanted to see if you remembered that day at the train tracks and I was wondering if I can come over for beef stew next week? 

I’ll try to remember the zinnia seeds but if I don’t,

I’ll just bring myself.