The Kalopsian Wave

Something new happened this time, I’m tired of the pageantry of being sad dancing at a wedding for 5 more songs because the bride said she wants you to stay a little longer self induced blisters for the sake of one’s wish going through the motions taking on more and more

Nietzsche said that one day I’ll live in the forest like a shy deer and I can’t wait for that day to come no more obligations or birthdays or meaningful conversations this well is tapped I wish to lay down my flag wild woman cooking a can of beans over a fire shooting my wild turkey taming the coyotes dying of rabies or hypothermia someplace a camera has never been

How about I lay and watch the lights on my ceiling and swallow the swords I wish to cut you down with. I hold back so much it feels like a gift to nod and tilt my head so you know I’m listening when you have no idea how validated I am in my position, you have no fucking clue man. I got dropped off at a train stop best friend went to use the bathroom and came back with a ticket to a different line and acted like it was the plan the whole time. I’m so punished for seeking out a scrap of warmth or kindness like play-doh left on the counter overnight, I’m not the right kind of clay to be put in the kiln I’ll just explode and take you all out with my jagged shrapnel. Can someone please just play with my hair and let me take a nap on their lap without criticizing or needling or expecting anything in return I hate monetizing my work but I feel like I have to pay for warmth I have to pay for everything one time I wanted to lay in the sun with only one person and the only reason they came was because I bought them lunch they just drove away, I don’t exist during the day and I don’t have the privilege of living in it I don’t have the privilege of warmth even from my dog who whined and pissed on the floor when I was recovering from a head injury someone asked if there was anything they could do to help and when I asked for an eye-patch they doordashed it to me asked another person to walk my dog and they were back in 5 minutes I have to pay to have anyone around one way or another but when I want to be around someone I don’t want them to spend anything on me just their time but I have to play the game and follow the rules and discipline others and punish them and myself because I’m the only one who thinks about that stuff. I just want to lay in the sun and rest my head on someone’s lap and feel them play with my hair and that basically it and it’s so funny to think that that can’t happen for me, gotta hold myself when no one else can gotta walk the dog and wash the car and change the oil and pay the taxes and pay the water bill and make the bed and explain a credit score I just want to be treated like a little baby and be allowed to throw a tantrum without it being such a big deal. I hold back so much. I want to get it out of my system. Being the bigger person who is mature and kind and level headed doesn’t work for me I fester and cry at work and talk about death too much my body is shape wear 2 sizes too small hernia of flesh slipping out at the dance right when my crush is looking people think I’m crazy they think I’m manic man I feel like a woman is that such a bad thing to be? Man can I just have a handshake and a pat on the back and feel like I can accept a compliment without knowing that it was only said because someone feels bad for me the best compliment would be for someone to fill a diary about me and never tell me but I can dramatically find it years after their death and weep my silent tear upon its pages because it was love confessed only for the purpose of confessing it. Can someone build me a house just because I said I like some shudders? Can I just trust you to get the job done without having to tell you every step? Figure it out, look it up. That’s what I would do. I don’t think I’m delusional I think I’m dedicated I keep coming back to the cut open cadaver just to check its pulse rushing in at midnight just because a dream I had. I want to be a good person and truly not care about myself at all I want to be like Jesus but even he wept for his life even he was a man who felt selfish who felt guilty for his humanity 40 days 40 nights since you took your love away. Since you’ve been gone I can post on my blog and go to bed at 9 and drive my coworker up the wall I make him start a Kafka book why am I like this???? I want a lobotomy sometimes I want a jacket lined with fur I want to crawl into the slit open stomach of a carabou and make my bed there, is it dead yet? Have you checked? Check again. Every step I take crushes a bug I started this game with no strategy and I don’t know how to finish it, can’t even get myself to put the dishes in the sink can’t even send a thank-you card unsure why anyone would love me because I have been a bad person and I have let my mind be weak just to make someone happy that I let control it. God it’s embarrassing, God why do I keep talking about this. Someone has got to get it and put up with me I’m not cold at all but I can crack easily the ice gets thin you’re having so much fun skating on it you don’t realize I’m ready to crack and dump you to the water. Your problem now. I’m sorry, that’s mean. That’s cruel, I’ll help you out just don’t blame it on me you had water up to your ankles far before it was over your head. Just hold me and trace a finger along my tattoo like you did that one time and I’ll hate myself for being human I’ll hate myself listening to my songs I repeat as a form of self harm. Adolescence to obsolescence there is no need for a tool like me here, cute voice seem so dumb and clueless I will rip you apart with my mind I will put your name in a jar with rusty nails and bury it in the cadaver, don’t think I’m not capable.